DIVORCE - THE CANDIDATE AND THE CHURCH
By: Robert L. Withers
“Bob, I should have asked them about their position on candidates who have divorced and remarried.”
“What happened Frank?”
“Just as we were about to conclude the interview one of the search committee members said, ‘Your candidate profile indicates that you have children in their 30’s, yet it also indicates that you and your wife have been married 23 years. Does this mean that you are divorced?’ ”
“How did you respond to that Frank?”
“Well, I said that yes I am divorced and that that is one reason why I put the ages of my children and the length of my current marriage in my candidate profile. I want to raise the issue to prospective churches that consider divorce a disqualification for ministry – that way neither one of us will devote time and energy to a dead end process.”
“So what did the committee say?”
“They didn’t say anything about the divorce issue. They thanked me and concluded the interview. I wish that I had asked at that point what their thinking is about divorce and ministry – for all I know I won’t hear back from them. I’ve spent hours on the search process with this church and it will be a shame if it was all a waste of time.”
The Problem
How does a pastoral candidate who has been divorced indicate this fact in his profile? Does he print it in bold red letters? Does he indicate it in the way that Frank did so that those who thoughtfully read his profile will put two and two together? Does he avoid the issue altogether and plan on raising it verbally with the search committee? Does he hide the fact?
How does a church handle the issue of divorce with candidates? How can a church ensure that hours are not spent with a candidate who will ultimately be disqualified from consideration because of a divorce?
The Church
A church that requires that candidates not be divorced should clearly state this fact in its position posting. Often such churches will write: “The candidate must meet the requirements of 1 Timothy Chapter Three.” These churches interpret the phrase, “the husband of one wife,” to mean that elders and deacons cannot be divorced and remarried. The problem with this approach is that not all churches and Christians agree on the meaning of this phrase – many people and churches see the phrase as a reference to polygamy. This in turn means that a candidate who reads the statement: “The candidate must meet the requirements of 1 Timothy Chapter Three,” doesn’t know if he is reading a code phrase meaning, “Don’t apply if you are divorced,” or whether the church is simply saying that it wants its pastor to conform to the general image of elders portrayed in 1 Timothy Chapter Three.
A straightforward statement regarding the ineligibility of divorced candidates is the best approach when such a policy has been adopted by the church.
All churches are advised to have a screening questionnaire that includes questions such as:
à Are you married?
à If so, how long?
à Name of spouse.
à Have you been divorced?
à If so, year of divorce?
These basic questions will put divorce on the radar screen if it is present. The year of the divorce and the length of the current marriage provide helpful information for the search committee to consider. As a general rule the longer the current marriage the better.
A candidate who was divorced and remarried the same year raises questions that a candidate who was remarried five years after his divorce may not raise.
The Candidate
Most divorced candidates are sensitive to the issue of their divorce out of pain and a sense of failure. They find it difficult to talk about their divorce because they accept some degree of responsibility for the failure of their marriage. Also, many candidates feel as if they are second class Christians and third class clergy because of having been divorced.
The divorced candidate’s dilemma is that if his divorce is placed in the front of his presentation then it may color everything that follows; if it is completely avoided then he is not being honest.
Churches that will consider divorced candidates are typically sensitive to the candidate and they appreciate the candidate’s quandary in talking about his or her divorce. A challenge for the search committee is to set a healthy atmosphere in which to discuss the matter while at the same time ensuring that the issue is not glossed over.
Here are some tips for the candidate:
à If the church is part of a denomination review the denomination’s qualifications for clergy. If divorced persons are excluded then you will have saved yourself time and effort.
à When a church profile and ministerial qualifications appear to contain code words regarding divorce, but do not explicitly speak to the subject, consider asking what the policy is; a “no” is as good as a “yes” when discerning the will of God.
à It is best for all concerned if you put some indication in your profile that you are divorced, something that will raise the question. In Frank’s case above, he placed a flag in order to raise discussion. Frank had also done his homework with respect to the denomination’s ministerial qualifications and found nothing prohibiting divorced clergy. That being said, and hindsight being 20/20, it appears as if the question should have been raised early in Frank’s candidating process – either by the search committee or by Frank.
à The candidate should consider an affirmation of marriage in his profile, perhaps in his Ministry Philosophy section. For example: I am passionate about nurturing and saving marriages. Having experienced the heartbreak and pain of divorce, I know all too well the damage and sorrow divorce causes in the lives of spouses, children, extended family, friends, and in the church. I will go to the ends of the earth to save a marriage.
How Much Detail Should Be Expected?
What detail should a candidate disclose concerning his divorce? How much information should a search committee expect?
While a spouse’s desertion for another person may be a straightforward reason for divorce, usually the breakup of a marriage is complicated and messy and the question of appropriate and material disclosure arises in candidate – church discussions.
I believe that the length of time since the divorce and the current relational health of the candidate should influence the search committee’s approach. The more recent the divorce the more the search committee’s need for understanding the dynamics of the breakup in order to assess the candidate’s emotional and spiritual health. On the other hand, if a church is interviewing a candidate who was divorced at age 25 and who is now age 45, and who has a testimony of relational stability over the intervening years, then perhaps there is no imperative to delve into the details of the divorce – though some discussion is appropriate.
A search committee’s ability to “read” a candidate’s attitude toward his divorce will tell the committee much about the candidate. A candidate who is bitter, resentful, and who casts unmitigated blame upon a former spouse should raise questions. A candidate who accepts responsibility and who is reluctant to talk negatively about the former spouse is demonstrating a degree of self-awareness, forgiveness, and charity.
A candidate who refuses to talk about the divorce should raise a flag, while one who is reluctant to talk out of a sense of pain and shame should be firmly, but gently, requested to discuss the matter in an appropriate fashion.
Pre-Christian or Christian Divorce, Does it Matter?
Should a search committee have one attitude toward a candidate whose divorce occurred before he became a Christian as opposed to a candidate whose divorce occurred after he became a Christian?
Clergy and churches have different responses to this question. While there are times in which pre-Christian divorce is more understandable than divorce when one or both spouses know Christ, the fact is that the prevalence of divorce within the professing church in the United States mirrors that of those outside the church. While this does not excuse divorce within the American church, it does remind us that the church has been infiltrated by the world in virtually all areas of life, including marriage and family.
My opinion is that our propensity to classify divorce into pre-Christian or Christian hurts the church in the long run for it discourages Christians from telling their story, seeking healing, and sharing God’s redemptive work with others. I believe this is true for many other areas of life as well. Becoming a Christian doesn’t mean the journey is over, it doesn’t mean we are perfect, it doesn’t mean that we’ve got it all figured out – but in many places it does mean that we can no longer be honest about our struggles, which in turn means that we can’t share our victories.
So to those churches who will consider a divorced person as a ministerial candidate, I suggest that you focus on the current relational health of the candidate and on how the candidate has experienced God’s redemptive work in his or her life through the divorce. If the candidate is remarried you will want to focus on the current marriage in detail, including talking to people who know the couple. If you are open to a divorced candidate who is healthy you may very well find yourself with a pastor or staff member with a passion for marriage and empathy for families in crisis that will bless your church for years to come.
Copyright © 2009 Robert L. Withers, all rights reserved
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