The Pastor’s Spouse in Transition
By: Robert L. Withers
Copyright © Robert L. Withers, All Rights Reserved
A Typical Pastor-Spouse Scenario
The young pastor and his wife were close to meltdown. They had been married for fourteen months and had been in their current church for nine months. Prior to assuming his first pastorate Jim had been on staff at a large urban church; now they were in a small rural town.
Susan, the wife, had moved hundreds of miles away from her family to marry Jim; soon afterwards Jim accepted a call to their new church and they moved two hundred miles from an urban to a rural culture.
Susan felt like Jim was out-of-touch with her, she felt like she wasn’t measuring up to the new church’s expectations of her, she wasn’t comfortable with the new church’s traditional culture, she didn’t feel as if she could freely express herself in worship or use her spiritual gifts – and she felt that Jim was unsympathetic to her plight. On top of it all Susan had a job that was stressful and she hadn’t slept in weeks.
Jim had become frustrated with Susan’s frustrations. He acknowledged that he often didn’t know how to respond to her and shared that when he did try to respond that he always seemed to say or do the wrong thing – thus exacerbating the problem. Their marriage was an emotional roller coaster.
Transitional Dynamics
A fruitful pastor – church relationship is more likely when there has been both a thoughtful candidating process and a healthy transition by the pastor, his wife and his family into the new congregation. While I want to acknowledge that when the pastors are women that their husbands will also experience what I’m about to discuss, for ease of writing and reading I’m going to consider the pastor as the husband.
When a pastor assumes leadership of a new church he hits the ground running. He has already given thought and prayer to what his first months will look like, he has been preparing his first sermon series, and he has a list of people to visit and get to know. There are church leadership meetings, business meetings, and teaching and worship gatherings that put him on the fast track of being assimilated into the congregation.
The wife, on the other hand, especially if she works outside the home – as more and more wives do, many with a career of their own – will not have the benefit of her husband’s experience of rapid assimilation. Her exposure to their new church is often confined to public worship and teaching and potluck suppers. Her husband gets the entire pie; she gets a sliver.
Couple this with the fact that many (most?) wives of pastors are known as “the pastor’s wife,” that is, they are appendages of the pastor. Many wives of pastors are introduced, “This is the pastor’s wife,” as if the wife doesn’t have a name or an identity of her own. Furthermore, well-meaning parishioners assume that the experience of the pastor is the experience of the wife. That is, they assume that if the pastor is assimilating into the congregation that the wife is assimilating into the congregation; they assume that if the pastor is cultivating relationships that the wife is cultivating relationships. They superimpose the pastor’s experience on the wife – when the wife may be experiencing stress and isolation.
Consider that many pastors are away from home three to four evenings a week, sometimes more. Evenings when pastors are at home are often taken up with telephone calls, emails, or study and sermon preparation. I don’t know any pastor who typically doesn’t do some amount of work on Saturday, be it a civic function, church function, or sermon preparation. If the wife works outside the home, Saturday is likely her one day off and yet her husband will be working at least some part of that day. On Sundays, while the wife may not be going to a “job,” she has the sense of working because she is going with her husband to his job to work alongside of him. Even if she isn’t involved in overt church ministry, she is working in the sense of paying attention to everything around her, being aware of her words and actions, and mentally and emotionally walking alongside her husband in all that he does.
She often does not leave the church until her husband leaves, and may also arrive when her husband arrives; she may be involved in after-church activities, she may also participate in Sunday-evening activities – this all makes for a long and tiring day, especially for the wife who goes to work on Monday.
For the wife who is not naturally outgoing, who does not derive energy from public activities, this schedule is draining both emotionally and physically. There is a reason many pastors take Monday off and that others recognize that they need to take the natural Monday letdown into consideration when planning their Monday workday; many of their spouses do not have this advantage because they have to go to work.
The pastor is building relationships, making friends, and is energized by his new environment; the spouse is coping with a new home, a new town, a new job, and perhaps one day a week off without having her husband completely with her on that one day.
As I pointed out to Jim and Susan, within the past fourteen months they had married, moved, and both taken new jobs; those are three of the top stress events in life. Susan had actually moved twice and her new job was much different from anything she had previously done. I discussed with Jim and Susan that a pastor will transition into a new church and a new town faster than his wife, and that it often takes her two to three years to begin to feel at home and somewhat comfortable; an understanding that transitions take extended time assists us in forming realistic expectations about ourselves and others.
What Can A Congregation Do?
à Recognize that your pastor and his (or her) spouse are on two different assimilation tracks and plan to help them accordingly.
à Recognize that the name of your pastor’s spouse is not, “The pastor’s wife,” but that she has her own name and identity.
à Be aware of your pastor’s schedule and ensure that he not only has time off for himself, but also time off for his family.
à Remember that a pastoral transition is not a quick event but a lengthy process, especially for the spouse. Plan on it being at least two years and be proactive during that time.
à Affirm the spouse and her critical role in her husband’s ministry. We have Pastor Appreciation Month, but we seldom recognize the spouses and families of our pastors and staff members – they are all critical to fruitful ministry.
à Women of the church should do their best to cultivate time with the pastor’s wife (or men of the church should the spouse be the husband of the pastor). While group time has its place, individual time or smaller settings are important for friendships to develop. Friendships can’t be forced, they must develop naturally; the goal is to create the opportunity for them. If the wife works outside the home, keep this in mind when scheduling time with her. (Note: If most of the women do not work outside the home but the pastor’s wife does, this can be a particular challenge because she is having a different life experience).
What Can A Pastoral Couple Do?
à Communicate. No matter how tired you are, no matter how stressed, talk to each other. Don’t have conversations in your head that you never verbalize.
à Communicate. Hit the refresh button on communication techniques and ground rules. Understand your communication preferences and differences and respect them. Respect each other.
à Pray together. Few couples pray together and that includes pastors and their wives. Jim and Susan told me that they had stopped praying together because their communication had broken down and the stress was unbearable. Actually, they had stopped praying together because they decided to stop praying together – nothing made them do it, they made the decision. I don’t understand much about prayer, it will always be a mystery to me, but I do know that when couples pray on a daily basis, even for only a minute or two, that something happens in their marriage that wouldn’t happen otherwise.
à Pray together. When couples pray together the lordship of Christ becomes a part of their marriage, an awareness of His Presence takes root in the marriage. Peter writes that husbands and wives are “heirs together of the grace of life” (1Peter 3:7) a married couple in Christ jointly receives His grace. Christ’s grace nurtures and protects marriages.
à Seek relationships outside the congregation. This applies to the husband and wife as individuals and to them as a married couple. Relationships outside the congregation broaden perspective, expand the interpersonal universe, and provide the opportunity to experience life outside of vocational ministry. At least one or two of these relationships should be with Christian couples with whom you can have meaningful and transparent fellowship – no games! Also, finding another pastor – spouse couple with whom you resonate can be a blessing to both couples.
à The pastor should remember that he (she) should minister to his spouse and then do it. How can we minister the grace of God to others if we are not doing so at home?
à The pastor should remember that his ministry to others is only as credible as is his ministry to his spouse and family. In our performance-oriented culture this is hard to swallow, but as Christ emphasizes in the Sermon on the Mount, the exterior of life is not necessarily reality – it is the inner life, the hidden life, that matters first and foremost. We can fool others, we can’t usually fool our spouses and we can never fool God.
Jim and Susan
Jim and Susan are going to make it but it is going to take work. They began by taking two steps forward and three steps backward. Now they are taking three steps forward and one step backward. Soon they will be taking ten steps forward and one step backward.
They are working at praying and reading the Bible together. They are learning their respective communication preferences. They are taking time away together. They are also cultivating relationships outside their congregation. Susan and Jim now understand that transition in vocational ministry has special challenges and as this understanding grows they are less likely to be surprised by problems they encounter. This husband and wife are making better decisions today than they did when I first met them and they are more reflective in their relationship with each other.
How can we better support the spouses of our pastors? How can we affirm and encourage them in the special role that they play in the ministry of our pastors and churches? Why not send your pastor’s spouse a card of encouragement after you finish reading this article?
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